I’m currently in the process of adjusting my medication and it’s actually driving me crazy. Am I allowed to say that because I have a mental illness? Or is it still inappropriate and stigmatizing? Either way, it’s how I feel and I’m sticking to it.

Up until a month ago, I was on the same three medications for over a year: Seroquel, Lamotrigine and Latuda. When I had a severe episode, my doctors and I thought that maybe my medication combination was no longer working for me anymore. A psychiatrist devised a plan for my medication and passed it on to my family doctor to help me in the transition. I’m not super happy about that because I would rather be under the supervision of a specialist, but that’s apparently how it works in Ontario and many places.

Anyways, the plan really excited me because he planned to increase one medication significantly, remove me from another and significantly decrease another. The medication that he is decreasing, the Seroquel, makes me super sleepy and drowsy. Ever since I’ve been on it, I’ve had the worst time in the mornings. I have such difficulty actually getting out of bed. It takes me about 30 minutes every morning to do it. I can’t just bounce out of bed and get on with my day. But that’s the dream!

So, after increasing the Latuda, I felt fine. After decreasing the lamotrigine, I felt fine. After decreasing the Seroquel slightly from 200 mg to 100 mg, I felt fine. But then the goal was to decrease the Seroquel further to 50. Last Sunday, I popped the pills and went to bed. It was a really late night so I only went to bed at 2 a.m and I woke up without my alarm the next morning at 10 a.m, wide awake. I didn’t think anything was weird because it was still a pretty decent sleep. The next night, I went to bed earlier because it was a work night. I probably fell asleep around 11:30 p.m. I then woke up at 4:30 a.m. and couldn’t fall asleep again until it was time to get out of bed at 6:45 a.m for work. The same thing happened the next night. Then, the night after, I woke up even earlier, at 2:30 a.m. I spent the following four hours lying in bed with my eyes closed, literally in physical pain because I was so tired. Time passes weirdly quickly when you are trying to fall asleep and can’t. It seems as if every time you check the clock, it’s closer and closer to the time you need to wake up, which means the less sleep you’ll have. It is an infuriatingly uncomfortable process.

The next day at work, i was exhausted. I wanted to call in sick so badly but I didn’t want to disappoint my boss and I knew I had a lot to accomplish so I forced myself to go in. I am pretty proud that I actually managed to last the whole day and be productive.

However, by the time I came home, I felt terrible. The medication changes were starting to take their toll. It had been over three nights now of not sleeping great. So I decided to up my dose a bit that night (my doctor said I could do that) so that I could have a good night’s sleep and finish off the week at work on a high note. I went to bed, happy and confident that I would sleep soundly the whole night. Much to my chagrin, I woke up at 2:30 again! I was so disappointed and frustrated that I popped another pill to help me sleep. It kind of worked, I slept on and off for the next four hours but I woke up every 30 min to an hour. I also had the weirdest dreams.

I’m at a point now that I don’t know what to do. I assume if I continue on the low dose, that I will have a few sleepless nights but that my body will eventually adjust and I will be able to sleep without medication. I don’t want to have to use medication as a crutch for the rest of my life so that I can sleep. But I really do not function well on less than 7 hours of sleep. I thrive when I am well rested. I can focus better and think more clearly.

So I am pretty conflicted right now. I don’t have an easy answer for you. I think I am going to try to push through and adjust. But it’s really upsetting. I know that medication isn’t for everyone and some people prefer alternative modes of treatment. But for me, I know that there is the right combination for me to help me live life well with my mental illness. I just haven’t found it yet. I just need to hang in there in the meantime until I figure it out. All I can really do while I wait is be gentle with myself and engage in self-care and take care of my mental health. This means eating well, resting, drinking enough water and exercising if I can. As well, I need to not push myself too hard or put too much pressure on myself to be perfect. This will help to reduce the likelihood that the medication adjustment might bring on an episode of anxiety or depression.

Have you ever adjusted to a new medication? What was it like? How did you handle it? Any advice for me or someone else like me? Leave it all in the comments below!